Burned Out B*tch

Burnout is an absolute bitch. Not only is there no quick fix to burnout, it can be incredibly difficult to identify. There are so many factors and types of burnout, it's nearly impossible to pinpoint exactly what is causing that nagging feeling of complete and utter existential dread. Burnout is bad enough on its own, but pile it on top of existing mental health issues, and that's when you really start to burst into flames.

I had been at a consulting firm for about three years that was not only incredibly toxic, it was highly abusive. I was forced to sign a 5 year NDA, or I would have been fired. In hindsight, I wish that would have been the case, but you can't change your life timeline, so here we are. No one makes you sign that kind of an NDA unless you're a narcissistic sociopath that is attempting to bury the behavior that was exhibited. The CEO and owner of this consulting firm was also my boss. We had no HR, we had no board members. Just him at the top.

This man was a tyrant. A master manipulator. He was disgustingly obsessed with loyalty. He took joy and pleasure in pitting his employees against one another. His favorite game was verbally berating employees as well as clients into submission. His main leverage was he would pay you very well for the abuse, and he/we would over deliver on the client side. If y'all think all that toxic shit that came out about Ellen DeGeneres was bad...you should have been a fly on the wall at this place.

All I did was work. I would bring my laptop everywhere with me - like I had to bring it to a friends baby shower and to my own birthday dinner. I was on call 24/7/365. It was a mess. I was a mess. I was unknowingly in survival mode and I was running off fear. I would wake up, throw up, cry, get dressed, speed demon to the office in the hopes I wouldn't get in trouble for being late after only sleeping a few hours, and pick up where I left off.

This, ladies and gents is what happens when you are raised as a people pleaser, have abuse in your childhood, and don't know what or how to set boundaries.

Once I got the courage to leave, I was left with all this anger and resentment I knew I needed to start sifting through. The primary signal other than the constant state of fight or flight was how much physical pain I had in my body and how unbelievably tired I was. The more I got away from the toxicity the better it got, but I was still so angry. Mainly at myself for being someone who allowed that kind of treatment to take hold of my life and define who I was.

It wasn't until I started working with my Wellness Coach over a year after I left, that I began to understand just how out of sync not only my nervous system was, but my energy, my femininity, my intuition, my soul and my purpose. I wasn't just burnt, I was scorched to the bone.

I spent over 6 months working through how to build safety in my body for the first time in my life. How to regulate my nervous system through tools like meditation, breath work, journaling, somatic movement, and the most important...feeling my actual fucking feelings. What I got from my Wellness Coach that I didn't get from my Therapist was her really holding the space and walking me through the emotions I was feeling. This is the major key (sup DJ Khaled) to healing. You can't heal if you don't know what you feel.

Once I was diagnosed with PTSD, was when that period of my life gained validation. I was able to finally let go of the shame and guilt narrative that I had built up inside of me. The way I was treated wasn't my fault, but it is and will remain something I will heal from and speak out about. No amount of money is worth selling your soul to the devil.

Burnout might be a bitch, but Karma is a bigger one.

Go lightly with love,

Holly